Resentment, repeat conflict, postnatal realities and more...

---

Read Bruidsgids 2026 article here "Voorbereiding vir 'n sterk huwelik"

Read Bruidsgids/Wedding Guide blog article, "Premarital Counselling: Preparing for the Marriage, Not Just the Wedding" here  

Life After Baby: What Happens to Us?

I had the privilege of speaking with Moms After Dark ZA about one of the most important—and least talked about—transitions a couple can go through: life after having a baby.

While we often celebrate the arrival of a new baby with joy and excitement, the truth is that the postpartum period can be deeply challenging for both parents. Yes, there is often a beautiful “baby glow” in the beginning—but as sleepless nights, physical recovery, and identity shifts settle in, many couples find themselves feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, and unsure of how to navigate their new normal.

During the interview, we focused on the emotional impact not only on the birthing parent, but also on the partner who didn’t give birth—a perspective that doesn’t get nearly enough attention.

I discuss  what Postnatal Depression Might Look Like in the Non-Birthing Partner

Many people are surprised to learn that partners can experience postnatal depression too. The symptoms might look a bit different, but they are just as valid:

• Increased irritability or withdrawal

• Feelings of helplessness or resentment

• Loss of interest in things they once enjoyed

• A sense of failure or inadequacy

• Difficulty bonding with the baby

This can be especially hard if both partners are silently struggling but don’t know how to bring it up—and that’s where communication becomes vital.

⸻

Rebuilding Connection: After a baby is born, couples often shift into survival mode. But a healthy relationship requires tending—even more so during this tender time. 

Support Before and After Baby Arrives

The truth is, there’s no way to fully prepare for the emotional impact of becoming parents—but you can build tools, understanding, and realistic expectations that support your bond through the transition.

I offer in-person and online counselling sessions for expecting couples and for new parents, helping you navigate the relationship shifts and identity changes that naturally arise during this stage.

Whether you’re preparing for a baby or already in the thick of new parenthood, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it out without support. Reach out to book a session if you’d like help navigating this season with greater connection, compassion, and clarity.

Because when a baby is born, so is a new version of each partner—and your relationship deserves the space to grow, too.

Listen to my interview with Madge from Omnimedia MOMents podcast here on Youtube or search for it on Spotify.

Stuck in the same argument on repeat? Learn why couples fight the same fight over and over — and how to actually break the cycle.

If you and your partner keep having the same fight — about dishes, money, in-laws, sex, who said what — the topic on the surface is almost never the real issue. Recurring fights are a pattern, not a series of unrelated arguments. You’re both stuck in a loop that gets triggered before either of you has time to think. An infinity loop of triggering each other.

Let's try to understand what’s actually happening, and how to start breaking the cycle.

The Fight Isn’t About the Dishes

Every couple I work with has a version of this: the argument starts about something small and forgettable, and within minutes it’s turned into something enormous — old wounds, past betrayals, “you always,” “you never.” That escalation is the sign. It means the fight was never really about the dishes. It was about something underneath the dishes that never got resolved the last ten times you fought about them and likely the way in which the conversation is being had.

Recurring fights persist because couples keep re-litigating the content (whose turn it was, who’s right) instead of addressing the pattern (what keeps getting triggered, and why neither partner feels safe enough to stop defending and start listening).

What You’re Actually Fighting For

Esther Perel’s framing is useful here: most relational conflict falls into one (or more) of three core categories.

• Power and control — Who gets to decide? Whose needs take priority? Am I being controlled, or am I losing my say?

• Respect and recognition — Am I seen? Do you value my effort, my opinion, my time?

• Care and connection — Do you still choose me? Am I still a priority? Are we still close?

The real work is drilling underneath it, because “respect” or “control” mean something very specific to each partner, shaped by their own history.

For example, two partners fighting about money might both be fighting about “control” on paper — but one is actually fighting to prove I’m not a child who needs managing, while the other is fighting to prove I’m allowed to have needs without being called selfish. So in session I like to drill down to the different underlying fears or needs. 

This is where I ask couples to get more precise: not just “what are we fighting about,” but “what does losing this fight mean to you — about yourself, about your partner?”; "What is the need that has to be met?"

Relational Life Therapy adds a layer that’s often missing from standard communication-skills approaches: how each partner’s self-esteem is showing up inside the fight.

Most of us default to one of two positions when we feel threatened in conflict:

• Tending towards grandiosity — Defending, criticising, lecturing, needing to be right. Giving their most unbridled opinions. 

• Tending towards shame — Shutting down, over-apologising, appeasing, losing your voice entirely, desperation. 

These position related to self-esteem also show up with a tendency towards favouring a certain position in boundaries. You might see steam-rolling, desperation, withdrawal, violence, meanness and more show up as a result. 

Repeat fights often persist because both partners are locked into their respective position, and neither has learned to speak from what RLT calls their “wise adult” — the mature self that can hold a boundary and stay respectful, that can ask for something and tolerate your partner’s discomfort with the asking. The side of us who can see out self-esteem in balance with other humans and who can stay connected whilst also still being able to sufficiently protect themselves. 

Why the Fight Escalates: Regulation Comes First 

None of the above is accessible if your nervous system is flooded. This is the piece couples skip past, and it’s often the actual reason the “same” conversation keeps failing.

When either partner feels emotionally threatened, the body responds before the mind does — heart rate spikes, thinking narrows, and you move into fight, flight, fawn or freeze. Once you’re flooded, you are neurologically not able to access empathy, nuance, or your “wise adult” voice. You’re running on threat response, which is exactly why the conversation loops back to the same accusations every time — you’re not having a conversation anymore, you’re both defending against a perceived attack.

Regulation is therefore a critical conflict communication skill:

• Learn to notice your own early signs of flooding (heat in the chest, clenched jaw, racing thoughts, urge to interrupt, sentences of insult running through your head).

• Agree on a signal to pause — not to avoid the conversation, but to let both nervous systems come back online.

• Take a real break: 20-30 minutes minimum, ideally with something physically regulating (walking, breathing, stepping outside) — not stewing on your phone rehearsing your rebuttal.

• Return to the conversation once you can both speak from curiosity rather than defense or judgement.

Skipping this step is why so many “use an I-statement” scripts fail in the heat of the moment — the script is a cognitive tool, and you don’t have access to cognition yet.

The Story You’re Telling Yourself

Underneath almost every recurring fight is a private narrative that never gets said out loud. Something like: he doesn’t respect my time, she’s going to leave eventually, I always have to be the one who cares more. These stories usually formed once, early, from a specific moment — and now every similar-feeling moment gets filed under the same story, whether or not it’s actually true this time.

Part of the work is learning to decode: what’s the emotion underneath my reaction right now, and what’s the story I’m telling myself that’s producing it? Then there needs to be safety created so that you can bring that story to your partner as a shared problem to examine together, rather than as an accusation to defend against. And this I spend quite a bit of time on in session. 

Breaking the Cycle: A Starting Framework

1. Notice the pattern, not just the topic. Name it together outside of a fight: “We seem to have a version of this fight about once a month — let’s talk about what’s underneath it.”

2. Regulate before you resolve. If either of you is flooded, pause. Nothing productive happens above a certain heart rate.

3. Get precise about what you’re fighting for. Power, respect, or connection — and then, specifically, what that means to you.

4. Notice your position. Are you grandiose (defending, correcting) or going into shame (collapsing, appeasing) or are you staying pretty balanced? Can you find the wise-adult version of your point instead?

5. Share the story, not the verdict. Bring your interpretation to your partner as something to examine together, not as a fact about who they are. No criticism. 

6. Repair as a team. The goal isn’t winning the fight. It’s understanding what the fight was protecting, and building a way to protect it that doesn’t require conflict to get there.

Couples rarely break these cycles alone — not because they lack insight, but because it’s genuinely hard to regulate, get precise, and stay in the wise-adult position while you’re inside the fight itself. That’s the work I do with couples in session: slowing the moment down enough to see the pattern clearly, and building the skills to interrupt it before it runs its usual course.

If this sounds familiar, couples counselling / premarital counselling might be the next step — not to eliminate conflict, but to change how conflict is approached. 

FAQ

Why do couples keep having the same argument over and over?

Because the surface topic (money, chores, in-laws) is rarely the real issue. Recurring fights usually protect an unresolved need usually around power, respect, or connection.

Is it normal for couples to have the same fight repeatedly?

Yes, to a degree — most long-term couples have one or two recurring themes. We are all busy healing things.  It becomes a concern when the fight escalates quickly, doesn’t resolve, or leaves either partner feeling more alone afterward rather than closer.

How do you stop having the same fight in a relationship?

Start by naming the pattern outside of the heat of an argument, learn to recognise and regulate flooding before trying to resolve anything, and get specific about what each of you is actually fighting for underneath the surface topic.

Should we take a break during an argument?

Yes, if either partner is flooded (racing heart, narrowed thinking, urge to attack or shut down). A real break — ideally 20-30 minutes with physical movement — allows the nervous system to settle enough to think clearly again. Be clear about when you are returning to each other - both take responsibility. 

When should a couple consider counselling for repeat conflicts?

If the same fight has been recurring for some time without resolution, or you can see that you two are struggling to communicate constructively about a recurring theme, couples counselling can help identify the underlying pattern and build new skills to interrupt it.

Visit my Instagram page for short videos around this

South Africa faces a severe challenge with sexual violence, recording one of the highest incidences of rape globally. In the 2022/2023 fiscal year, approximately 53,500 sexual offenses were reported, with around 80% being rape cases (statista). 

These alarming statistics underscore the urgent need to address the fundamentals of consent. The World Health Organization (WHO) emphasizes that sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and relationships, ensuring experiences are free from coercion and violence. 

Key Principles of Consent:

1. Freely Given: Consent must be provided without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of substances.
2. Reversible: Individuals have the right to withdraw consent at any point, and all activity must cease immediately upon withdrawal.
3. Informed: All parties should have a clear understanding of the nature of the activity they are consenting to. True transparency is needed to ensure full informed consent. 
4. Enthusiastic: Consent should be an active, eager agreement, not merely the absence of a “no.”
5. Specific: Agreeing to one activity doesn’t imply consent to others; each act requires its own consent.

From a sociological perspective, promoting these principles is essential in combating the normalisation of sexual violence. Implementing comprehensive sexuality education (CSE) is a proactive approach. CSE provides young people with accurate, age-appropriate information about sexuality and sexual health, fostering respect, consent, and bodily autonomy (Unesco guidelines). 

Well-informed individuals are more likely to make responsible choices, leading to positive health outcomes and a reduction in sexual violence incidents. 

Addressing South Africa’s rape crisis necessitates a collective effort to instill and uphold the principles of consent, ensuring that all individuals can engage in relationships characterised by respect and mutual agreement.

Visit my Psychology Today profile 

Your Body Remembers – And It Can Also Heal

When we go through something traumatic—whether it’s a sudden shock, prolonged stress, or early childhood wounding—our bodies remember. Even if our minds try to move on or forget, the tension and survival responses often remain held deep in the muscles and nervous system.

This is where TRE®, or Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises, comes in.

TRE® is a somatic body-based practise developed by Dr. David Berceli. It’s grounded in the understanding that the body has a natural, built-in mechanism for releasing stress and trauma: neurogenic tremoring. Think of how your body might shake after a fright—that trembling is your nervous system discharging excess adrenaline and coming back into balance. Unfortunately, many of us have been conditioned to suppress this—told to “hold it together” or “stay strong” rather than let the body do what it’s designed to do.

In TRE®, a trained practitioner (like myself) helps clients safely access this natural tremor response through a series of gentle exercises, creating a safe space for the body to release what it couldn’t at the time of the trauma.

Making the Body Feel Safe Again

What makes TRE® so profound is that it starts with the body—not the story. Rather than analysing or reliving past experiences, it gently invites the nervous system back into a state of calm and safety. For many people, especially those with trauma that feels unspeakable or hard to put into words, this is where deep healing begins.

As someone who both practises TRE® personally and facilitates it for clients, I’ve witnessed the subtle but powerful shifts it can bring. I’ve seen chronic tension soften, deep emotional release arise, and a renewed sense of connection to the self—all without needing to “talk it through” in a traditional sense.

Why I Integrate TRE® with Talk Therapy

While I value the insight and depth that talk therapy offers, I also recognise its limitations—especially when it comes to trauma. Talk therapy works from the top down: engaging the mind in an attempt to reach the body. But trauma often lives beneath the surface, beyond language or logic.

That’s why I integrate TRE® into my work with clients. It helps create enough safety in the body for deeper emotional work to unfold. When the nervous system is calm, the mind can follow.

This approach is especially useful when someone feels overwhelmed by triggers, stuck in their process, or unsure how to access what they’re feeling. TRE® offers a grounded, somatic entry point into the healing journey.

The Science Behind It: Trauma Lives in the Body

If you’ve read The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, you’ll be familiar with the idea that trauma isn’t just psychological—it’s physiological. Dr. van der Kolk explores how trauma reshapes both brain and body, and why body-based practises like TRE® are crucial to real, lasting recovery.

I often recommend this book to clients who want to better understand the science behind what we’re doing. It sheds light on why simply talking through an experience is sometimes not enough—and why involving the body is so essential.

If You’re Curious About TRE®…

You don’t need to have gone through a major trauma to benefit from TRE®.

We all carry stress. We all have moments when our bodies didn’t get to complete their natural stress response. TRE® can help you release built-up tension, reconnect with your body, and feel more grounded in your day-to-day life.

Whether you’re preparing to go deeper in therapeutic work or simply looking for a tool to regulate your nervous system, TRE® offers a gentle, effective path to healing—from the inside out.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to support you.

Your body holds so much wisdom—and it’s never too late to start listening.

TRE Profile: https://treforafrica.com/listing/marizanne-naested/

Aug 2026 - Marizanne Naested

“I love my partner. So why don’t I want to have sex with them anymore?”

A question that can leave couples confused, ashamed and frightened. The partner who wants more sex may experience the lack of intimacy as rejection, while the partner who has lost desire may wonder whether something is wrong with them. There is guilt on both sides. 

There can, of course, be many reasons for a change in sexual desire. Hormonal changes, medication, stress, exhaustion, mental health, dreaded disease, body image, sexual pain and other physical or psychological factors can all play a role.

But sometimes the answer is sitting in the relationship itself.

Resentment can be one of the most powerful inhibitors of erotic connection.

Resentment often develops from anger that has not been expressed or resolved, particularly when someone feels that their needs have been ignored, their efforts have gone unrecognised, or they have been treated unfairly.

Psychologist Antonieta Contreras describes resentment as something that can begin quietly — an unspoken frustration, a dismissed need or an experience of feeling unable to express what is really wrong. Over time, these unresolved grievances accumulate.

And resentment doesn't always look like anger. It can hide behind politeness, keeping the peace or simply getting on with things because you've stopped expecting anything to change.

In relationships, resentment can grow when one partner feels neglected, unsupported, treated unfairly or as though their efforts are not reciprocated. Eventually, this can affect not only emotional connection, but also how that person experiences their partner sexually.

Sexual intimacy requires vulnerability, trust and emotional openness. When resentment takes hold, affection, admiration and closeness can gradually be replaced by frustration, disappointment or emotional distance.

You may not consciously think, “I resent my partner, therefore I don't want sex with them.” Instead, desire can simply dampen. 

Resentment rarely appears because of one argument. More often, it develops through a series of disappointments that haven't been adequately repaired. And disappointments often lie in expectations, some uncommunicated, some unmet. 

It can come from an unequal mental load, feeling as though you have to parent your partner, repeatedly asking for change without seeing it happen, or feeling that you are carrying more of the relationship.

It can also develop around sex itself. One partner may feel repeatedly rejected, while the other feels repeatedly pressured. Affection can gradually become associated with an expectation of sex, and both partners begin carrying hurt into their intimate relationship.

You may find yourself thinking:

I don't feel cared for.

I'm tired of asking.

I don't feel emotionally connected to you.

I don't want to be intimate with someone I feel I have to parent.

You can love someone and still feel profoundly disconnected from them. And emotional love does not automatically produce erotic desire.

One of the most difficult things about unresolved resentment is that it can change how we interpret our partner. When negative sentiment takes over, everyday behaviour can become filtered through an established story about who your partner is. I think it feels into that core negative image we accumulate of our partner.  

They leave a towel on the floor, and it becomes evidence that they're selfish. They forget something you asked them to do, and it becomes “They don't care about me.”

The same thing can happen sexually. Your partner initiates sex after a difficult week, and instead of experiencing it as an attempt to reconnect, you may hear yourself thinking, “Of course. That's all they care about.”

Sometimes these interpretations point towards very real relationship problems. But once a negative story becomes established, it can become increasingly difficult to see your partner outside of it.

This connects with the Gottmans' work on negative sentiment override, where unresolved negativity begins to colour how partners interpret one another's everyday behaviour. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and withdrawal can then reinforce the cycle.

And eventually, the bedroom becomes another place where the relationship's unresolved patterns play themselves out.

Many couples become caught in a pressure–withdrawal cycle. One partner experiences the lack of sex as rejection: “You don't want me anymore.”

The other experiences the request for sex as pressure: “You don't care why I don't want sex. You just want me to have it.”

The withdrawal creates more anxiety for the pursuing partner, who then pursues harder. The increased pressure creates even more withdrawal.

One wants to feel desired.

The other wants to feel safe enough to desire.

This is why sexual frequency and sexual desire are not the same thing.

A couple can have more sex without having more desire. You can negotiate sexual frequency and make time for intimacy, but genuine desire cannot be demanded into existence.

If every kiss might lead to a request for sex, you may eventually stop wanting to kiss. If saying “no” reliably produces conflict or guilt, sex can begin to feel like an obligation rather than an expression of desire.

Repairing resentment matters, but long-term desire is not simply about creating a perfectly safe and conflict-free relationship.

Couples can become deeply connected while becoming completely absorbed in the practical business of life. You become parents, household managers, financial partners and problem-solvers. All the while living up to expectations and trying to fit into scripts making their appearance in the relationship. You know what needs to be done, but perhaps you no longer feel particularly curious about who your partner is becoming, especially while you feel like you're losing yourself. 

Long-term desire needs connection and security, but it can also benefit from individuality, curiosity, playfulness and a sense that your partner remains a separate person with their own inner world.

Sometimes couples need to rediscover each other not simply as husband and wife or mother and father, but as two adults who can still surprise one another.

Desire doesn't necessarily require a mysterious stranger. But it can benefit from seeing something in your partner beyond the familiar roles they perform every day.

When resentment is affecting sexual desire, couples often try to fix the sex first: have more sex, schedule date nights, try something new.

These things can have a place. But if the relationship underneath the sex is full of unresolved hurt, pressure and disconnection, sexual techniques alone are unlikely to address the real problem.

Sometimes the first work needs to happen outside the bedroom.

It may mean having conversations you've avoided, addressing an unequal load, taking responsibility without becoming defensive, learning to express hurt without attacking, rebuilding trust after betrayal, or learning to hear your partner without immediately preparing your defense.

It may also mean rebuilding non-sexual touch, so that affection doesn't automatically become a negotiation for sex.

For some couples, the work includes learning to recognise and regulate what happens in the body during conflict. When we become overwhelmed, defensive or shut down, it becomes much harder to stay curious, listen and repair.

It is important what happens after the rupture.

Can you repair? Can you take responsibility? Can you soften? Can you find each other again?

Perhaps the better question isn't:

“How do we have more sex?”

Perhaps it is:

“How do we create a relationship in which desire has somewhere to come back to?”

That may mean addressing resentment, changing patterns of criticism or withdrawal, rebuilding trust and emotional connection, creating more equality, re-visiting the sexual script that has developed in the relationship, learning to touch without expectation, or making space for individuality and play.

It may also mean exploring physical, hormonal, medication-related, psychological or sexual factors contributing to the change in desire.

Sometimes the sexual problem isn't really about sex. Sometimes sex is simply where the relationship is telling you that something needs attention.

And when resentment begins to soften, partners feel heard and valued again, and the pressure decreases, desire may have more room to emerge.

You don't have to wait until you feel completely disconnected before asking for help.

If you and your partner are caught in resentment, repeated conflict, sexual pressure and withdrawal, or a significant loss of sexual desire, couples and sexuality counselling can help you understand the pattern underneath the problem and begin working on the relationship that supports intimacy.

Marizanne Naested Counselling
Relationship & Sexuality Counselling
Trauma-Informed Counselling | TRE® Practitioner

📩WhatsApp me to enquire about relationship or sexuality counselling, or to book a session: +2764 534 7046 

Most people think sexologists only deal with sexual issues. In reality, my work is about intimacy, connection, communication, and the ways your body, history, and environment shape how you show up in your relationship. Even when your sex life feels “fine,” there is often far more happening beneath the surface.

My approach is grounded in a bio-psycho-social-cultural understanding of who you are. That means I look at the whole picture: your biology, your psychology, your relational patterns, the stressors around you, and the cultural messages that shaped your beliefs about love, touch, safety, and identity.

I pair this with a strong somatic foundation. Your nervous system, your body’s responses, and your physical patterns matter just as much as your thoughts and conversations. Insight alone doesn’t shift things; the body has to be part of the process for real change to hold.

In our work together, we explore how you connect, how you protect yourself, what shuts you down, and what helps you open up. We talk about the things couples often avoid: desire, boundaries, shame, emotional safety, and the ways stress or trauma affect closeness. You get space to understand yourself and your partner without judgment or pressure.

This is not crisis-only work - it’s growth work. My goal is to help you resolve the issues that can be resolved — and then build the internal capacity to stay regulated, connected, and less reactive in the parts of the relationship that continue to challenge you.

This approach is direct, grounded, and deeply respectful of the complexity of being human. If you’re ready to do relationship work that includes both the mind and the body, both the personal and the cultural, you’ll find that sexological counselling offers depth and is action-oriented. 

📩 Ready to explore? Get in touch  for sexuality and relationship counselling: info@lovecounsel.co.za or Whatsapp +27 64 534 7046

Psychology Today Profile